HELP

HELP ME BEFORE I GO CRAZY

Re-post and relapse.

Re-posting this photo because I miss this place. 

One week from the final exam.

 Restlessness. Nervousness. Homesickness.

The mixed feelings are here again, sticking in my heart and running in my mind.

In the name of God the Most Gracious Most  Merciful.

Lets!

n_n

When the sun shines, lets us bloom.

The beauty of the earth.

Taken at Twizel.

Tulips.

Taken at Wellington Botanical Garden.

A week in kampung.

For my third year, I had to do a rural placement for a week. I know its just for a week but i had a wonderful experience there and there are so many things that I want to share. Just too many things that i want to tell others but i couldnt write in my report. So i decided to put them here :)

I chose two places in north island, but too bad I did not get both of my choices but being allocated to somewhere in Christchurch instead. However, I've been to Christchurch many times and its not so far away from Dunedin so I decided to randomly choose somewhere else which was still havent fill up. So yes, Oakura it was. It is a village located not far away from New Plymouth in north island. I took a direct flight from Dunedin to New Plymouth that cost me about $400 one way. And i booked a shuttle from New Plymouth to Oakura and i had to pay about $130 both ways. I had no choice because there was no other public transport to Oakura during the weekends.  And guess what, the driver used to be an NZ army and worked in Malaya in 1960s. He still knows few words. Alhamdulillah he welcomed me warmly :) 

Along the journey to the village, we had a talk. He mentioned few malay words and i was impressed as he still remembers many words such as cantik, bukit, senyum and few others. He told me that he loves malay kids and the armies always brought bunny candies from NZ to give to the kids. '' Malay kids love to laugh'' he said :) :) 

I stayed in a beach holiday park, in a small cabin just right 100meter in front of the Tasman sea. It was $65 per night but i managed to get like $130 for the whole stay. Awesome isnt it? However, the toilet and kitchen are all outside at the front while my cabin is the last cabin at the end of the park. There's no lights at night and it is very scary to be there alone as no one else in other cabins. The sounds of the waves, the rain and the wind made me awake almost every hour for the first night. 

After checking in, I went to have a walk around the village the find the pharmacy. After about 30 minutes walk, i found the pharmacy, a grocery shop, a fish and chips, a cafe, a bar and schools. hmm not much things here. well, kata kampung kan. But its a very quiet and peaceful place.  Seeing all the farmers, farms, beach, kids riding bikes to school and the green land remind me of my home. Similar but not exactly because nothing can be much more exciting than my own home :) Walking alone among the strangers as a strange person in a strange place wasnt that bad. There were a few (just a few) who looked at me like i'm a weird alien wearing scarf on the head that fell from a weird planet. But most of the villagers were very nice, smiling and hi-ing at me.

After buying some groceries from the kedai runcit, there was a pakcik suddenly sapa me ' selamat malam ' and i was like *smiling* . He knew that I'm malay because he was an army too in Malaya. Entah2 kawan pakcik driver tadi :p We had wee chat and i felt so welcomed by everyone there! 

The first few mornings were raining and i had to walk in the rain to the pharmacy. I took about 25 minutes to reach the pharmacy for the first day but for the second day i used the other road which was just along the beach and it took only 20 minutes! The view was awesome! Walking along the beach every morning while the sunshine was shinning right onto my face was great! 

In the pharmacy, there were three staffs, a pharmacist, which is my preceptor. He's an Otago graduate. A technician who works part time only.  A shop manager which is sooooo nice. Everyone calls her Nanny coz actually she's a retiree. She's the one that talk to me the whole day in the pharmacy, taught me a lot of things.She drove me around the village after work for few times to a few nice places in Oakura before she went to Australia to visit her grandchildren. 

The first day wasnt that bad. My preceptor was so busy because he's opening a new pharmacy in down the Taranaki region. So he didnt spend much time with me. Despite of his business and craziness, he still taught me lots of things, tell me stories about his experiences, and about the village as well. He said, working in a community pharmacy especially in rural area is different from hospital or pharmacies in town. In rural, they get to know everyone. I realized that, the staffs greeted the customers and patients by their names. They had time to talk to each other, not only about the medicines and health issues but also social things. They were so friendly to each other. The patients and customers were mostly old people and farmers, really2 reminds me of my kampung. 

I had chances to do many things such as dispensing, consulting patients, learning about OTCs and etc. Consulting real patients was the hardest things because at school i only consult 'fake' patients but it was fun! They were very helpful as they knew that i'm a student. My preceptor also said that, working in a community, pharmacist act as a knowledge giver, a drug saler, a dispenser, and everything. Not only dispenses drugs but also gives knowledge about drugs to the villagers. He tells the patients what are the drugs for, what they do, the effects and other things about drugs in a language that patients can understand. He said, working in community, we deal with people, talk to them so communication is very important. Unlike hospital, you dont really deal with people. 

In New Zealand, a BPharm graduate has to do internship for a year to be a certified pharmacist. For us, we have to go back to M'sia to do that. He said, internship is very hard here. An intern pharmacist is nothing, but internship is the time to learn everything. To gain experience. To be a certified pharmacist is not easy. He told me that knowledge alone is not enough. Practice and experience are very useful. Accuracy is very very important as we're dealing with people's life. Drugs can cure but they are nasty. A small little changes can kill people. 

These pictures were taken around the village when Nanny drove me around after work.

In the pharmacy, everyday there will be a few patients under methadone programme. They have to come to pharmacy everyday to take methadone. There was a makcik, quite old but still addicted to drugs. She came in the evening after worked which she supposed to come in the morning. So she was shivering asking for methadone. I almost burst into tears looking at the old drug addicts who are very addicted and do not try to reduce the dosage of methadone to reduce the addiction.  I think they really want to take the drugs for their whole life. 

Talking about drug addict, there was a drunk drug addict who just broke up with his girlfriend and got kicked out from the bar came to the pharmacy asking for drugs. At first, i didnt know what was going on until Nanny grabbed me and said ' Siti let us go outside to see the mountain' I was like, eh mountain? tiba tiba kan. The drug addict asked my preceptor to make a bomb because he wanted to bomb the bar. He said' you're a chemist so you should know how to make a bomb!' We left the preceptor to deal with him while we called the police. To make the condition worst, the police came 30 minutes after because there's no police station there. It was such a scary experience but luckily there was nothing serious happened and he got caught.

After the incidence, Nanny and I went jalan jalan again, she said  this kind of things rarely happened here but well things happen when you dont have your beliefs. Without strong beliefs we'll not have a happy life and tend to do things that are out of our mind.True. She said again ' You have your beliefs, your family, your studies and your career soon Siti so live to the fullest ' Thanks Nanny :') 

After work, I always walked along the beach and watch the sunsets. Splendid and beautiful. The light is very calm and can touch everyone's heart who see it. I know it was quite boring walking and picnicking alone and had to self time the camera to take my own pictures but i had a really really nice time there. God's creations are indescribable. You see it and it remains there in your heart and memory. 

Alhamdulillah, i had a very good time in Oakura. I learnt lots of things. Not only about drugs, but also about people, about life, about things that i cannot experience in my own home. Hope to see you again Oakura. InsyaAllah. 

Life is a siries of natural and spontaneous changes. Dont resist them-that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally in whatever way they like. (Lao Tzu)

Bye :)

Eid 2012

Salam and helloooooo :) 

I know Syawal has finished and its Zul-Qaadah now. I was busy with my placement after raya and busy playing around during the Spring break so I didnt have time to update this dusty blog *sapu2*.  

After the Eid announcement at the mosque all the sisters gathered at the Hunter Centre for takbir raya and time to ask forgiveness with everyone. Alhamdulillah, I didnt cry much during the takbir compared to the first time i celebrated raya here which was 3 years ago. Well, big girl dont cry much isnt it? :)

I baked some cakes after the takbir raya. I made baby cakes, boiled fruit cake, apple bakewell and my father's favourite, pineapple upside down cake. My flatmates cooked rendang, nasi himpit and laksa! yummm. Who said raya at perantauan cant eat all the raya foooooods? We had everything! :D

So the first day of raya, I went to my friends' house. It was fun celebrating raya with the kids, watching TV3 live from Malaysia and we also had non-muslims as well. There were also few pakciks from Oamaru came down here to celebrate with us. It was like celebrating raya at kampung back in Malaysia. Everyone was there under one roof :) 

Raya in Dunedin is not complete without taking pictures at the Clock Tower. This is compulsory :p So we went there to photographs few photos. I didnt go to many houses that day, so i went back and stayed at home and finished my homework because i had to go to school the day after which was the second day of raya. So yeah didnt celebrate much :( 

However, on Friday, 24th August which was the fifth day of raya, we had the annual event, Raya Otago. yay! I could celebrate raya with everyone before flying to north island the day after for my rural placement. And again, my placement was during the spring break so everyone did their open house during the week which i couldnt join :( but at least i could join the big celeration! ;)

After helping the committees cleaning the hall, we went to St Clair beach and took some photos again! Alang-alang dah pakai cantik-cantik kan :p Luckily the weather was beautiful. It was a little bit cold but who cares its raya! 

I know the pictures below are quite vain but hehehe once in a while :p :p :p

Okay I wont post any vain pictures like these anymore. Promised *pinky promised* hahaha *maluuuu*

Okay bye! ;)

16th ramadhan

Had mini bazar ramadhan yesterday and i opened a stall called Gerai Cik Siti. I was selling nasi kerabu and net income was $270 yaaaay :D Alhamdulillah! Rezaki ramadhan. I didn't expect people to buy my nasi kerabu and i'm sorry for those who were queuing for my nasi kerabu but couldn't get it :( insyaAllah next time okay people! :)  

Anyway, hmm i'm not sure if it's just me or it's those people. Maybe it's just me being too sensitive. yes  i am sensitive. Too sensitive sometimes. But, i'm not a person who always show my feelings, anger, happiness or whatsoever. Do you know that our face expressions can offend or hurt people that we are talking/facing to. our expressions show what's inside us but it doesn't mean that you have to always show it  especially when it can hurt others. huh i'm just tired. Tired of taking it all. Do you know how hard it is to always being the only one to jaga hati people? (jaga hati in english apa eh?:p). People, please don't always think that you're the only one who can show your feelings, your expressions, your tiredness, your whatever whatever and  don't always think you're the only one who has a heart okay? Because we're all human beings and  having a fragile heart. Jadi, mari kita jaga hati masing masing :) :) peace.

9th Ramadhan.

Today, i helped my flatmates photo shooting for raya as this is their last ramadhan in Dunedin. They are going back for good soon :( and i'll be moving to a new flat with two other new flatmates next year. Getting new flatmates is the scariest thing in my life since i came here because i had a horror experience ever 2 and a half years ago. It changed me. I just don't want that kind of thing happen again in my life. Hopefully we will cope well with each other insyaAllah :)

Thank you Allah for giving me the chance to breathe the air of ramadhan again. There's something missing, but i'm getting rid of that feeling. As always, i wish i could be with my family. Trying not to be too sad, i make myself busy. Baking for masjid, spending time with flatmates as this is the last time we puasa together as housemates :') and yep, will always call my parents asking for recipes and stuffs haha so that they know that i'm fine here :') For these 9 days of puasa, i haven't skip my sahur yet. Alhamdulillah! yay :D

p/s : I wore this baju kurung for raya photo shoot in 2010 and i realized that i look the same as in 2010 :)

 Iftar  with malaysian sisters and brothers :)

''Seek help in patience and prayer'' (2:45)

Bye! 

First day of Ramadhan

Alhamdulillah feeling better today after being sick for few days. Only HIM knows how hard it was being sick of cold and flu, feverish, itchy eyes and nose, terrible headache, emesis and muscle ache. My asthma is exacerbated. Shortness of breath is the hardest thing that i had to go through and i'm still having it. Sleeping with three pillows under my head to make my breathing easier and keep waking up while sleeping,this is not easy man. Like my Father always tells me breathing is the most precious gift from HIM and thats why life is precious. No breathing no life. Alhamdulillah HE's still giving me the chance to live the life. Syukran Allah, I have flatmates and pseudoflatmates that always care for me. Thank you people! :) I'm trying to be as productive as possible while i'm sick. Not to always rely on my housemates  in doing stuffs like cooking etc. Unless if i'm really really sick hehe dapat makan maggie special pun jadi lah! :p

Anyway, last night, I was waiting for ramadhan announcement by Fianz (Federation of Islamic Associations of New Zealand) and also by few msian clubs here but there was no news from them. So after maghrib, i decided to call Fianz by myself so i called the hilal committee. He said '' The moon has been sighted and insyaAllah it's confirmed that Ramadhan begins tomorrow. Ramadhan kareem sister! '' yay! :D so yeah, we had our first tarawikh at Al-Huda mosque last night. Too bad, i couldn't finish tarawikh until witir because of my sickness.sobs. But at least i managed to finish the 8 raka'at tarawikh :) Ramadhan kareem to my family too! This is my third ramadhan away from them :'( InsyaAllah will be stronger this year!

Ramadhan mubarak. May this month be a month of blessings, a month full of forgiveness and guidances! Ameen :)

Clinical year

Alhamdulillah. I passed my final exams last semester with not-too-bad results. More than what I expected. yay :D :D :D Now, i'm in clinical year . Three more semesters left insyaAllah :) Talking about clinical year, we don't have any more labs like before. But, there are lots and lots of workshops. About 4 to 5 workshops in each week. For each 3 hours workshop, we have to do preps, readings, cases etc2 . It's just too many stuffs to be prepared for each of them. The life is not as hectic as before, with less tests, no labs, but the stuffs are getting harder and harder. For lectures, it's a wee bit boring because we have about 3 to four lectures in a day about the same module in the same lecture hall and sometimes taught by the same lecturers. It's so unusual for me sitting in the same hall for few lectures unlike before where we had to walk here and there chasing time for lectures and labs which was hmm fun? It was tiring but at least we did something.

Anyway, thats life aye? It won't be the same for the whole time. It is always changing. I'm trying to be productive. Trying to always do my preps if not, i will feel so stupid doing the workshop knowing nothing during the discussion *sigh*. As i said, the things are getting harder, sometimes i read a lot of stuffs, but i just can't understand it. and the drugs that we have to learn and memorise are getting more and more! its about 2 to 3 pages of drug list for each patient assessments workshop. I have no idea how to memorise them together with their actions, properties, shelf/half lives, ADRs, and the worst part is when we have to study the chemical structures of each of the drug, the developments of new drugs, prodrugs, etc2. It is called medicinal chemistry. What a fancy name kan? Sorry for this scientific stuffs. For me, they are just lines that are attached to each other forming some kind of weird shapes with a few circles here and there and to make them fancier, there are bridges in circles (double triple bonds?haha). But well, you're a drug expert to be so this is what you have to go through isn't it? :) But will try my best! insyaAllah.

Bye bye :)

Caught in action.

It's winter break.

Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulliah. Alhamdulillah i've finished my final exam for this semester yesterday. Five papers. The first and the last papers were so hard :( I've done everything that i could and now i will just keep praying that i will pass all the papers and finish my last semester of learning theory and insyaAllah going into clinical next semester. Seriously if i need to repeat, i don't think i can do it and study everything once again. Its like a nightmare. Totally horrible. I didn't cook for almost a month. Went to library early in the morning, eat biscuits, yogurt or everything that i could grab for lunch and dinner. Medical library is closed at 11pm so i always went to Hercus (a 24 hour computer lab) and continue my study in there. Luckily i have a few seniors that sometimes came and lepak there as well so i didn't feel that 'lonely' haha :p anyway, and then i studied there until 2, 3am and sometimes until morning and straight away went to school after that without changing clothes or brushing my teeth. How horror my life was during the exam T_T For the last 3 weeks i've been relying on too much caffeine. Drinking flat white coffee that cost me $4.50 a cup everyday. And now i have  a big problem. I can't sleep early. Too much stimulants. Too much dopamine until sometimes i couldn't realize which one is reality and which one is not. Drugs. They are good but they give you bad effects too. Crying alone in the library or hercus or along the road because of the exam pressure and homesickness was normal the last few weeks. But the good thing is that, i like walking home alone late at night or early in the morning when nobody is on the road. Just me, the stars and the moon. Gazing them while walking in the cold freezing weather, almost below 0 degree celcius . Peacefulness :) yeah thats how i relieved the stress that i had everyday.And now, i need my break. Please, i really really need my break. To keep my messy room clean, to qada' my sleep, to relax in my own room or anywhere i want to go, to do what i want and etc etc before start working again on monday. Hopefully I will get everything done. Oh wait wait! Before i forget, today had dinner with Dr Brunton. He's retiring soon. In his speech today he said ' we are people because of  other people ' His words always touch my heart :') 

Gonna miss him ...

p/s i keep myself away from people doesn't mean that i'm away from HIM.

okay bye have a great winter break! ;)

The yellow land turns white.

It was snowing heavily in Christchurch last week. A friend of mind took some great photos (i've asked his permission to post his photos here anyway) and i feel so jealous! The snow turned the world white. Totally white. SubhanAllah can't describe with words. Hoping for more and more snow in Dunedin but oh please come after exam! Enjoy the wonderland! 

p/s three more papers to go and it's winter break. come quick because i want to enjoy the beautiful winter wonderland! ;)

It snowed last night!

Alhamdulillah it snowed last night! after subuh prayer, i opened the window hoping everything is white outside, and yahoo it is white but not much. but it's enough :) the hills covered with snow, the roofs,the cars and a wee bit on my verandah. oh well, thats more than enough. and today is the first day of final exam. must do the best! ;)

melting snow flakes on my verandah

Hills covered with snow.

bye and wish me luck! 

i wish ...

It's officially winter now in New Zealand. My third winter :) 

Hoping for snow again this year *praying with teary eyes* 

(picture of a snowy day during winter 2011)

Someone says ''place your hand over your heart, feel that? thats called purpose. you're alive for a reason. don't give up'' :)

Putting my hands over my heart and feel my own heartbeats while saying ' oh Allah, make me strong. make me strong to face all the difficulties ', does helps me getting rid of this giving up feeling. yes, we're alive for a reason, so keep breathing and never ever give up :)  

  

rough but wonderful

It's 12am, 9 degree celcius and it's 9 days to final exam (i know what a lame intro aye?) The weather is getting cooler and the wind is blowing like its the end of the world. Blowing towards me and gives me the air to breathe. Alhamdulillah I'm still standing and still surviving. It was a bad day today. I'm stressed enough with the exams and studies, please don't make it worst people. Feeling sick since last night. I need more vitamin C. It's exam period so it's normal for me to be sicked since i was in school. I still remember one of my teachers called me a sick girl because i always get sicked whenever i have exams. My immune system is too weak i guess. And yeah back to my story, I felt so bad disturbing other people in the library by making sounds like sniffing and sneezing. so i decided to go home. On my way home, there was a group of high school girls, walking towards me and suddenly shouted at my ears. I was alone. And i just didn't know what to do. The only thing i could do is smiling because i was afraid of them. What am i afraid of? I'm scared if they will do something worst than that. Why they are so close minded? They called me close minded people just because i'm wearing hijab and i'm a muslim. People, for me you're the ones who are close minded because you're judging me based on what you hear and see. Please people, if you're really really open minded, you won't judge others roughly just like that. So yeah, as usual this kind of thing really makes me sad and I walked back home like nothing happened but i just couldn't stop the tears from flowing out. I slept for 1-2 hours hoping i will forget everything after waking up. Alhamdulillah feeling better now. That's life, it's rough especially when you're far away from your beloved ones. But wonderful when you have people around you that can make you laugh and forget about the rough times :)

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes to a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Bye :) 

Coldness

It's 2.25am in the morning and its 4 degree Celsius outside. Yes, the winter is here. Earlier than expected. The leaves are not even yet fully fallen. They are still coloured and hanging on the trees. I just woke up from my sleep. I slept at 8pm after had a very very big dinner. It has been 2 years and a half I'm here and this gonna be my third winter. I thought I am adapted enough with the weather but no. I was wrong. Winter is a season that makes my world dark. Sunrise is at  8am and sunset is at 5pm. It is dark when I go to school in the morning for 8am class and it is darker when i come back from school in the evening. Can you imagine that? Now I'm having winter symptoms again, eating so much, always sleepy, being lazy, having a chronic  homesickness, always close my window and curtained it tightly and  yes excluding myself in the room.

Mr sunshine, please don't hide yourself too often, i need you! True, it's not easy to be adapted. I thought we are pretty much made to be adaptive toward changes, but well maybe not to weather i guess. I was born and grew up  in a  very warm land for almost 19 years and I'm only here for few years so yeah it's not easy right? But well, I've tried and still trying to make myself comfy here. InsyaAllah. Oh ye, it's 22 days to final examination for this semester and I've done nothing (yet). Five papers for the exam and no study week for us. Seriously I'm freaking out T_T . Okay, need to go back to study before going to school in few hours. Bye :)

'' surely with every difficulty there's relief. Surely with every difficulty there's relief'' (94:5-6)

Home

Home is where the heart can laugh without shyness. Home is where the heart's tears can dry at their own pace.

Yes, home. Home :')

Whisper

The fall of a leaf is a whisper to the living.

Twilight drops

When twilight drops her curtain down and pins it with a star, remember that you have a friend though she may wander far.

Delicate

Even the sun can't melt the ice on the leaves.

Jumping.

Keep jumping as higher as you can. further and further.

The only thing that comes across my mind is giving up when i'm tired and  when i feel i can't do the thing that i thought i can . How ungrateful i am aye?  If there are drugs out that can cure this feeling, i think i would be overdosed many many times. i need to be strong as strong as an iron woman, keep do'a-ing and keep moving forward. Keep walking through the path that i've chosen (the thing that i always tell myself to do whenever i feel giving up) It was strange for me and it is still strange but yet getting closer. It's hard but it's not impossible :) Hang in there. I know the time is flying too fast. But, keep your head up! InsyaAllah you can do it. You can do it  cik siti payung :') (i miss people calling me this.i miss you people).

So far away from where you are

And standing underneath the stars

And i wish you were here....

[From where you are b Lifehouse]